OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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