I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
