Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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