I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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