All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
