I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
