see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
