i think my tv is drunk
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
