my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
