I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
