I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
