Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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