Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
