i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
