You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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