I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
