The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
