Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
