im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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