Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
