u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
