He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
40s are totally the cure
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
