Ambien. No doubt about it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
