It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
