we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
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A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
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I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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