I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
