when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
