1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sext me about skeletons
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