Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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