Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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