Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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