Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
