I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?