the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
