I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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