Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
