we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
