and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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