I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
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My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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