According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
