when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
