The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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