woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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