Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
