Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
