girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
