When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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