Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The Olympian is in my bed
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
