I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
