yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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