I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This toilet bowl is my home.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
