is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
