My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
