Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
