from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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