I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
