Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
