she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize