In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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