Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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