its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
