lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
