I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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