i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Welp...herpes.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I forget how to act sober
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
